Visiting Him in His Last Days

Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja was becoming very ill, and our Sukhānanda Prabhu was offering him naturopathic massages with Ganges water. Before he went abroad to England, Sukhānanda Prabhu came to Vṛndāvana for two hours every morning and evening for fourteen days to massage him, and these massages helped him. We also sometimes visited and spoke with him then. Once we came at a time when he had hardly eaten or even taken water for many days. Still, he affectionately greeted us and, as he had always done with all, he lovingly offered us the opulent mahā-prasādam that had been prepared and offered by his disciples. He exclaimed how nicely his young students were trying to serve their gurudeva and Kṛṣṇa. Even though he himself had eaten nothing at all for so long, he made sure, in such a careful and affectionate way, that each of us took prasāda to our full satisfaction.

Some godbrothers and associates were paying visits to him in his room around this time. Akiñcana Kṛṣṇadāsa Bābājī Mahārāja, Śrīla Bon Mahārāja, Śrīla Bhakti Pramoda Purī Mahārāja, Śrīla Bhakti Vaibhava Purī Mahārāja, Indupati Prabhu (from Śrīla Mādhava Mahārāja’s temple), Ānanda Prabhu, and many more devotees came to see him. We also came several times to be with him, along with our brahmacārīs like Śeṣaśāyī Prabhu, Śubhānanda Prabhu, Premānanda Prabhu, and sometimes others.

There are tape recordings of some of these conversations, but most of them were in Bengali or Hindi.

Just before Kārtika month in early October, when our annual Vraja Māṇḍala parikramā was about to begin, Parama-pūjyapāda Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja sent for me. He requested his senior sannyāsīs and many others, “I want to meet with Nārāyaṇa Mahārāja.” A few of them then came by car and requested me, “Śrīla Prabhupāda wants you, so please come now.” I was in the midst of giving evening discourse to our parikramā party, but I came immediately. When I arrived in his room at Kṛṣṇa-Balarāma Mandīra, he was quite silent. Some boys were singing the Hare Kṛṣṇa mahāmantra, and some sannyāsīs and other disciples were silent.

After some time he opened his eyes and indicated with his eyes for me to come close. He was so enthusiastic before his death–not his death, no–his entering kṛṣṇa-līlā. He was not speaking, but when he saw me he showed his happiness. The devotees were chanting Hare Kṛṣṇa very softly in Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja’s special tune, and all could see that he was not speaking now.

I offered praṇāma to him, śāntyā praṇāmā (standing and silent), because I saw that there were many persons present and no space for me to offer full prāṇāmā.

When he saw me he at once said, “Oh, Nārāyaṇa Mahārāja has come.”

He wanted me to take a seat on his bed. He tried to sit up, but I put my hands on him and said, “Please lie down, and I will sit over here.” He then motioned for me to come nearer to his bed and said, “I want to speak to you.” He wanted me to sit closer to his ear, so he told some disciples, “Bring a chair,” and I sat on it near to his ear.

First he began to weep; his heart was melted. From the core of his heart he told me, “Nārāyaṇa Mahārāja, can you excuse me?

I feel that there is cause for you to forgive me. For the sake of preaching I have told my disciples some things, which perhaps I should not have said. Also I spoke very strongly about my godbrothers in one letter, which was then sent to everyone. I said that we are preaching and others are not, that they are kaniṣṭhaadhikārīs who don’t preach but are idle. I said that none of the Gauḍīya Vaiṣṇavas helped me–that they only take mahāprasādam and sleep.”

At this time, many of his sannyāsī disciples were watching. His words and mood implied to me many things about how he had wanted to encourage his young students. As we are careful with babies, so he had sometimes instructed some of them not to mix with his godbrothers and the other Gauḍīya Vaiṣṇavas. To save his newcomers from becoming disturbed or confused, he sometimes told them not to visit anywhere else. One reason was that a few of his godbrothers had done some wrong things. Also, his disciples did not understand the Indian ways of indirect, subtle meanings. Also, he did not want them to lose heart due to criticism from any Indian Vaiṣṇavas who may not have understood their sensitivities and his style of training them.

Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja had been a member of the Gauḍīya Māṭha for a very long time and he knew the regulations and siddhānta–but he could not teach all his disciples everything in just a few years. He had been cultivating many Vaiṣṇava Westerners from different countries, but they still lacked our Vedic culture and sadācāra (devotional habits). He had given his young disciples instructions to avoid other Vaiṣṇavas, just to protect them from becoming discouraged. He would say,

“Although they are not fully trained, their devotional attitude is so nice. I am praying to Guru Mahārāja and the rūpānuga-guruvarga to bless them all. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu, Śrī Nityānanda Prabhu, and Śrī Baladeva Prabhu will surely give them their mercy.”

Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja was remembering all these things, and he now requested me, “Kindly tell the other Vaiṣṇavas that I have made this offense, and to please excuse me. I have so much sorrow for this.” I told him, “You are my śikṣā-guru and a pure Vaiṣṇava. I know that you cannot do anything that is not in the line of bhakti. I think it may possible you have done these things only for the purpose of serving your gurudeva and Caitanya Mahāprabhu, All of us are indebted to you; there is no question. We know the prediction: “pṛthivīte āche yata nagarādi grāma.” You have performed a miracle; you have spread His glories everywhere. We don’t think that you have done anything wrong, so I have nothing for which to excuse you. But I will relay your request to the senior Vaiṣṇavas. You are my śikṣā-guru; whatever instructions you give me I will follow with absolute sincerity.”

Tears were very sweetly falling from his eyes. He was acting in such a humble way, as if he was not a good Vaiṣṇava; but actually he was like Śrīla Narottama dāsa Ṭhākura and Śrīla Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura. He continued, “Śrī Śrīmad Bhaktisiddhānta Sarasvataī Ṭhākura Prabhupāda ordered all of us to preach in Europe and America.

That was his strong desire. His other desire was that we all work together to preach. I didn’t waste a single moment. I tried my best, and to some extent it has been successful.” His voice was choked with emotion as he continued to speak: “If we can work conjointly, then, as Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu declared, this saṅkīrtana movement has great possibilities.”

Then he told me, “I want you to help take care of my disciples. I want them to be good and qualified devotees. If they come to you, please care for them.” Many of his disciples were nearby, so he softly whispered in Bengali, “When I went to the West, I caught so many monkeys in my net. Really, they are very expert in quarreling among themselves like that. They are still very young and untrained. So I request you that after my departure you will help them in every respect.”

Considering the implications of this order from my śikṣā-guru, I hesitated. Then he grasped both of my hands in his own, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me to promise to help. Therefore I agreed, saying, “I promise that according to my ability and my bhaktisiddhānta-tattva (understanding of the conclusive statements of bhakti), I will always be ready to help them as you request.”

Then I told him, “I want to say something to them.” Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja at once became inspired and called to them, “Oh, you should all come near and hear Nārāyaṇa Mahārāja.

Please take into your hearts what he is speaking.” Then I told them all, “Don’t think that Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja is leaving this world. Gurudeva is eternal. You are fortunate to have such a bona fide guru and Vaiṣṇava. You should try to preach his mission more and more enthusiastically. If you are after material things, you will find yourselves quarreling over name, fame and worldly gain. You will not be following his teachings. You will not be following his mission; you’ll be doing wrong. So don’t pursue your own self-interest. Give up all these things. To serve Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja, and to preach his mission, you should be united with all the devotees. Don’t quarrel with others over a small point. Don’t expel anyone from this mission by finding small faults. Try to behave like friends, with brotherhood, and then you can preach. If you have difficulty with any of these things, then, as Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja has requested me, you can come to me and I will try to help you from the core of my heart.”

They all listened to me then, and this was recorded on a cassette tape. Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja turned his head slowly, looking over the devotees as they gathered in closely. Then he slowly lifted his hand, as if to call them to attention, and said, “Listen to Nārāyaṇa Mahārāja. Don’t fight amongst yourselves. I have given all direction in my books.” Then he lowered his hand.

After this Śrīla Swāmī Mahārāja told me, “I pray to you that you will put me into my samādhi with your own hand. I don’t want to take samādhi from anyone else’s hands. I think you are the proper person. After my samādhi, arrange to celebrate my mahotsava separation festival. You should give some amount of money to all the seven temples in Vṛndāvana and to all the Gauḍīya Māṭhas. It depends upon you how much–201 rupees, 1001 rupees–according to your discretion, whatever you recommend. They should all hear these instructions and arrange to pay. Arrange a mahotsava festival also in Mathurā and invite all the senior Vaiṣṇavas to the feast. Invite all the Vaiṣṇavas in Vṛndāvana. Do this for me, and again I am telling you that you should always help my devotees.”