Husband’s Parents and Son’s Wife

The terms of reference for the husband’s father and mother are sassura and sassu respectively; that for a dauthter-in-law is sinha. An important point about relationship between the husband’s parents and daughter-in-law is that the latter derives her relationship through her husband, whom she must obey and respect. In turn, the husband has the relationship of obedience and respect towards his parents. Thus, a daughter-in-law is in a doubly inferior position. The fact that in any reference to her, the husband, his father and mother are usually mentioned together in that order makes it clear that she sees her husband and his parents as a single category to whom she owes respect and obedience.

After marriage a bride goes to the family of her husband which is not familiar to her. Therefore, she tends to see it as a single unit. It has been found that a newly married woman (vadhuka) feels “extreme fear and bashfulness in the presence of her husband’s mother, his father, and domestic servants.”^[1] She is being seen as an alien by the family coming to seek membership. Hence we find in the Vinaya^[2] that the female members of the family are classified in descending order as, (1) woman of the family (kula itthi), (2) the daughters of the family (kula dhitaya), (3) the young girls of the family (kula kumariyo), (4) daughters-in-law of the family (kula sunhayo) and (5) the woman slaves (kula dasiyo).^[3] It is to be noted that in the list of relatives in the family, the daughter-in-law is at the end but just before the slaves who are outsiders; and are regarded as members of the family only because they stay in the household. Therefore, it is not astonishing that the daughter-in-law is sometimes treated as a slave. A prostitute’s daughter who is married into a respectable family has a complaint that she was treated as a daughter-in-law for a month, but afterwards as a female slave.^[4]

In terms of ideal behaviour, the daughter-in-law should rise up and offer seats and water to her husband’s parents.^[5] The Buddha gives consolation to Raja Pasenadi on the birth of a daughter by saying that she will get married and will respect her mother-in-law. Here, the mother-in-law is referred to as sassudeva.^[6]

But a daughter-in-law is not always obedient and respectful. Once the monk Upali goes to a house, where the mother-in-law sits at the entrance door (nevesana dvara), while the daughter-in-law is in the living room (avasatha dvata).^[7] The monk gives dhamma separately and in private, first to the mother-in-law and later to the daughter-in-law. As a result each of the women suspects Udayi to the lover of the other. However, it is the mother-in-law who first asks her daughter-in-law a direct question to find out what the monk had said to her. The daughter-in-law replies suitably and in turn asks her mother-in-law and gets a similar reply. The monk is blamed by both of them for arousing their suspicions.^[8] We find here that although the mother-in-law has a superior position, she obtains the dhamma first, and declares her suspicions first, there is familiarity on the part of the daughter-in-law and even contempt in her suspicions. At another place it is said that a daughter-in-law after living in her husband’s family long enough and gaining confidence addresses her husband and his parents thus. “Away with you, what do you know?”^[9] The daughter-in-law shows familiarity and contempt here as well.

The Buddha finds the home of Anathapindika full of high and loud voices on visiting. He is told on enquiring that sujata, the daughter-in-law of the house (ghara sunha) is the cause of the noise, who is herself rich and has been brought from a rich family (addha addhakula anita). The Buddha is also told, “she pays no need to her husband’s parents, to her husband or even to the Buddha.” The Buddha is requested by Anathapindika to advise her. Sujata becomes a “dasi like wife” respecting and serving all^[10] at the end of his discourse.

Footnotes and references:

[1]:

Anguttara Nikaya.II.78.

[2]:

Vinaya.III.120.

[3]:

Ibid.

[4]:

Vinaya.III.36-37.

[5]:

Anguttara Nikaya.II.37.

[6]:

Samyutta Nikaya.I.86.

[7]:

Vinaya.IV.20-21.

[8]:

Ibid. It is important to note that the mother-in-law addresses in a suspicious mood the daughter-in-law as Je, a term of address which is elsewhere used for slaves.

[9]:

Anguttara Nikaya.II.78.

[10]:

Ibid., IV.92-93.