The Romance of Advertisements

“There was our man, Phadnis,
One of the mother’s Ladlies­
He always relished the Chutnies
And, alas, Left out his Idlies!”

I have always enjoyed reading the advertisements. Not that I relish the News less. Only, I get kick from the ads more.

Fortunately for us, the newspapers have already classified their ads. Mine, however, is functional.

ENTICING THE GULLIBLE

The ads that attract your attention most are the ones that are meant for the gullible. You are promised with a Kashmiri shawl or an attractive imported alarum clock if you place an order for only three pieces of an enchanting perfume offered only with a view to popularising it. If you take six pieces, packing and forwarding are, of course, free. A magic ring that solves all your problems of love, marriage, examinations, promotion and a host of other things is all yours just for a throwaway price of Rs. 25. But if you are interested in an extra special and fortified one, it may cost you about Rs. 50. Which is still a bargain, considering what it offers! You may contact a Box Number of a certain North Indian Town. But do not be sceptical. There are many who tested and testified to its efficacy.

A transistorised two-band radio is all yours if you happen to enter a simple contest. You are supplied with a square with 16 smaller squares within and all you have to do is to insert 16 figures in each small square so that the total of all numbers in a line, whether vertical or horizontal or diagonal, is the same. For practice purposes, you are also given a square already filled in. All you have to do is to add just one to each numeral and the diagram is filled. You have to mail it to a Box Number (again, yes, in North India - you guessed right) and if you happen to be lucky you will get a radio receiver or a watch for half the price, by VPP from the Postman. Even if the damned contraption does not make a single sound what about the thrill of having won a prize?

Why, you could even get loans on personal security upto any amount, if you contact a certain financing firm, who after collecting their fees for registration etc., direct you to another regarding surety. There is no knowing how many firms you have to contact before the promised loan materialises.

SEX GALORE

Then there are those which appeal to you instantly, such as the rare albums and books on art and sex meant for being viewed only in privacy or in some appropriate company. You could, for example, get 64 real life photos (printed on costly art paper) of the most beautiful girls of the world, for a paltry sum of Rs. 60 only.

Cine advertisements are a class by themselves. These ads are very attractive with lovely girls in daring, baring and provocative poses, with all their vital statistics supplied before hand for the avid readers and film fans. Producers make good use of these stills to sell their wares much in advance of the release of the films. More often than not, you will be disappointed to miss some of these salacious scenes, which become victims of the merciless operation at the hands of the fun-killing Censors. This incidentally proves that the Censor Boards are the sworn enemies of the shapely little things!

We are reminded of a certain avid film buff who is credited with having attended all the shows of a particular film showing the heroine undressing herself, when a train rushes past and obstructs further view, only to be highly disappointed to find that the blasted train always ran on time and was never late!

Nowadays you will not come across many advertisements which do not display a female form promoting some article of consumption or trade. The KS ads with a lovely and loving couple for the condoms, project the beauty of the human form and the necessity of the prophylactic, in these hard days of population explosion. Recently, there has been much controversy, regarding the Milind and Madhu Sapre advertisement with their tangled and nude bodies advertising TUFF shoes. The suggestion of the ad and the product are miles apart and naturally there is a hue and cry to stop such irrelevant and degrading(?) ads.

AD BLITZ

Then there are those which tempt you into buying things you don’t really require and make you miserable if you can’t afford. The            full page fully illustrated ads make you wish you had gone in right away (if you have the where withal) for the most useful and glamourous things on earth such as fridges, washing and sewing machines, fans, air conditioners etc., not to mention the temptation off lying by a certain airlines, because, you are told, its airhostesses are charming and good looking, its cuisine excellent and its condition ‘tops’. You are invited to smoke a particular brand of cigarettes, for how can you know what your brand is the best, until you have smoked the other brands? You will however find in microscopically fine print dutifully printed as required by, the Statute, that “Cigarette smoking is injurious to health”.

Then there are the rather lengthy advertisements of the Companies which give you all the particulars but warn you that these were not meant to be prospectuses. There are also the marathon speeches of the Company executives, which you would mistake for press coverage, but are in fact advertisements fully paid for.

It is always a wonder that chit tender notices should be so numerous. These ought to be, considering the number of PWD men and the contractors on the job. Incidentally, does this not prove that ours is a highly developing country?

ANGLING FOR WIFE

Matrimonial advertisements are always a good reading. Men all over the world appear to prefer good looking, smart, educated and wealthy women without encumbarances. But after marriage, something seems to go terribly wrong, giving scope to such crude jokes as the one for example, when a gentleman advertised, “Wanted Wife”, there were numerous replies, “You can have mine”.

SOMEONE MISSING

“Lost” series make pathetic reading. These implore the truant boy to return home immediately, all his faults forgiven. He would be given the required pocket money and he could, of course, marry the girl of his choice. All this because the poor mother is pining and is bedridden. You are promised a very handsome reward of Rs. 500 if you could inform the whereabouts of a boy who left the house a week ago in a white shirt and shorts, clean shaven. The chances of your getting the reward are remote, as he would have changed the dress or grown a beard.

READERS TAKE ALL

A wit said sometime that you are made pay for the cost of the advertisement (the Company passes on the bill to consumer ultimately); the cost of printing (Newspapers charge for inserting the advertisements); and finally for reading it too (you will have to shell down some money for buying the paper, won’t you?)!

Let those, who seek to bother themselves with what is happening elsewhere on the globe, bemoan that these days; the space taken by the advertisements in the papers, is far more than that left for the news. But, for me, it is alright. What do I care?

*******

“Day and night, dusk and dawn
Winter and Spring come repeatedly,
Time plays games, life is fleeting
Yet, one does not leave the winds of desire……

–SANKARACHARYA