Agony

SHORT STORY

Jukanti Jagannatham

It was the night before the new moon. Two hours had passed since the moon appeared in the sky. The moon shone brightly. The clouds, floating in the sky during the month of Ramdan, began to gather round the moon that looked as big as a fifty paise coin. Breaking free from the clouds, the moon like a warrior peeped proudly and calmly. Narasaiah trembled with fear when he remembered the sandstorm that lashed the lonely desert a week ago.

As the cool breeze blew slowly, the roof of the tent rose and fell like the undulating waves and the curtains on three sides fluttered relentlessly. Narsaiah lifted the blanket from his face and looked round, It was cold outside. The light from the lantern shone palely. The mule stood sleeping, while the sheep and goats slept in the sand. When the rams moved, the bells around their necks rang intermittently. The sound of the bells was loud and clear in the dead silence of the night.

Narasaiah tossed in his bed for some time as he could not get sleep. He got up and looked at his wrist watch by the light of a torch. It was two O’clock. All the animals were sleeping. Every thing looked perfect. “Not only the animals, but also human beings can get a sound sleep, once the stomach is full”, Narasaiah thought to himself recalling how the animals grazed greedily during the day. Then he jumped out of the bed and shook his limbs to relax himself. He went out to urinate. He came into the tent to sleep again. Feeling uncomfortable inside, he moved out soon.

The moon still played hide and seek with the clouds. The moonlight spread abundantly all over the desert. He pulled a beedi from the pack sent to him from his home. Keeping its head in his mouth, he blew to make it soft. And then, turning it over, he kept it between his lips and lit it. He drew large puffs and released the smoke through his nostrils and mouth.

The place where Narsaiah was stationed was as far as sixty or seventy kilometers away from a village called, Ubria. The lights flickered at some distant village. Narsaiah was born and brought up among his kinsmen in India. But now, like an orphan he lived all alone, becoming one with the animals on the Ubrian desert. He moved amidst constant dangers: Besides dumb animals, there was nobody to keep his company. His employer would supply him essential commodities in a truck every ten days.

Narasaiah couldn’t sleep any longer. He wanted to see the photographs and hear the message in a cassette sent by his family in India. He must listen to the cassette and record his response now or he would be left with no time. He had to take the flock to another place. The grass had become scantier here. He would travel further into the desert, if the grass was not found there too. Thus, he would be busy searching for the fodder for the animals next two or three days.

Narasaiah had planned to listen to the old cassette first and to the other which reached him recently. But, tired, he had fallen asleep soon and all the animals strayed from the flock. Not a small flock! About eight hundred animals­--five hundred sheep and three hundred goats ­- were missing. He had been gripped with fear, when he thought of his employer’s wrath. He would thrash and abuse him. He rode his mule and searched night and day. He could trace the flock intact by evening. He was excited when he wished to listen to the cassette. Suddenly, this mishap took place. He wept bitterly. He thought that he would be killed if he did not retrieve the flock. He should listen to the cassette and record his response in another cassette which he could send it through his employer who might turn up tomorrow. There was no correspondence between him and his family for the last eight months. They didn’t know anything about each other’s well-­being.

Narasaiah was determined to listen to the cassette. The flock kept well together. Drawing the last puff, he threw away the beedi and hawked to clear his throat. He took out a double cassette tape recorder and an empty cassette. He connected the tape to the battery of the truck. He turned the tape on. It was playing. He switched it off and went into the tent. He reappeared with a water bag, beedis and a match box. He settled before the tape with all attention, the tape was everything to him-his mother, father and his wife and children. He switched the tape on.

“Son....My son. Arre! Narasaiah. This is your father, Mallaiah, speaking from Bandalingampally. Narsi, my son, How are you? Are you safe? We are happy in our village. We are safe here. Can you hear me? You are the eldest son in the family. But you went to an alien land. It has been a year since you left us. We do not know anything about your life. What kind of job are you doing, my son? Being my first child, I took pains to bring you up. What is the use my son? You left for a far off land. It’s okay. Why didn’t you write to us? We haven’t received any news from you so far. I advised you to remain here and be content with what we have. But you didn’t pay heed to my advice. You have four children and ran into debt. Now, you left everyone of us to earn money in a foreign country. At the time of departure, you told us that you got a job of a gardener. Are you paid regularly? Is your work laborious? But all kinds of rumours are reaching us. Needn’t worry about them, my dear son. Don’t think of us either. As long as we are alive, we can take care of your wife and children. You get easily irritated at everything. Since your departure, my daughter-in-law has been rolling beedis to help your children go to school. At this age, we can not see you suffer my child. Let it be so. As you are named after my father, you work hard to live upto his reputation. I can not expect anything from you, my child. It’s your mother who speaks now, listen to her.”

Narasaiah turned the tape off. He felt his heart melting. Where is India? Where is Andhra Pradesh? Where is Karimnagar? Where is Bandalingampally? And where is Saudi, the land of oil? Where is the Ubrian desert? He thought of his wife, children and all other members of the family. Tears welled up in his eyes. He wished someone had been with him to share his agony. He wanted to cry bitterly, but he brought himself to turn the tape on.

“Narasaiah, Narasaiah, my elder son. My darling lad, My worthy boy. You have been to such a far-off land. You know how your brothers treat us. They have become selfish. ‘Well. Are you alright, my lad? When you were still a suckling, I went as far as two miles to work for our Dora. Feeling that you would cry if I got late, I came running to feed you, my son. On seeing me, you screamed excitedly and began to suckle at my breast quickly. Now, I feel that I fed you not my milk but tears. Well, my child, you needn’t worry about us. We are drifting slowly towards the graveyard. We are here today and we will be one with earth tomorrow. Are you alright? Don’t think too much of us. If you are not happy with your job, come immediately. ‘Hey! Nee avva, how come you ask him all of a sudden? Who do you think will payoff debts here? father was heard reproaching mother.

Mother went on “Narasaiah, don’t trouble yourself. You must not worry about us however difficult our life may be. You know well how your father behaves. He is the same old person. No one in the world can reform him. He growls at everything as usual. His mouth is rotten with abuses. Let it be so, my son. Are you taking meals on time? Don’t get upset. All is well with us here. You know your elder son behaves exactly like you! He is pure gold and noble like you, while your younger son resembles your father. He abuses me like your father, if I ever say anything against him. Though he is quarrelsome, he is shrewd. He knows, how to get his job done. At times unable to bear his mischief, daughter-in-law beats him severely. However, he is good. What a talkative child he is, Narasaiah. We are all happy. Take food on time and sleep well, my child. Our days are numbered. We have somehow managed things so far. But it appears more difficult to maintain the family any further ... Your sisters, brothers-in-law and their children are all well. My child, I take leave of you. Now your wife will speak...”

It was only mother who brought up all the six children in the family. Father had been ill-tempered for long. He would turn abusive at the slightest provocation. Provident, mother nurtured the entire family. When he heard the words “Take food on time and sleep well” and “Swear by me and tell how you feel there” the image of his mother, Latchavva appeared before him. He remembered her affection for him. She quarreled with his uncle and went on fast a whole day to procure chappals for him, though she herself walked barefoot. Narasaiah cried bitterly, till he felt choked in the throat.

“Hello! Hello’ This is Bhagya speaking. Many days have gone by since you left for Saudi. You haven’t written any letter to us so far? No word. No joy. The children keep asking about you. But you have become dumb. It’s all O.K....Are you angry with us? You might have got hurt when I mentioned the burden of bringing up children. Though it was I who persuaded you to search for a job, I couldn’t bear the separation from you. I could neither eat nor sleep well after your departure. Don’t you understand my feelings? What should I do to prove my love for you? Both children and I always think of you. You don’t know how to cook or even to light the stove. How do you manage? Is everything fine there? Hello! ... Hello! ... Arjun, Rajeshwari and Rakesh want to speak. Take care of yourself. Don’t mix up with anyone there and spend the hard earned money. Keep from wrong things. Think of your ‘self’ and the future of your children.”

Narasaiah knew how worried his wife was about his life in a foreign country. He could also see her love and affection towards him behind her seeming anger at his inability to keep up the family. He lit another beedi and began to puff at it quickly.

“Bapu....Bapu I am Arjun. How are you? I am going to school. Now I am seventh standard.”

“Bapu   Bapu I am Rajeshwari I am going to school too. After school hours, I take care of younger brother. Bapu, if you don’t want me to go to school, I stay at home, I help mother in rolling out beedis. I have secured good marks in the examination. Bapu, send me a wrist watch...No...No...Send me a golden chain. Younger brother goes to Anganwadi school. He has already broken three slates. He cries all the time. We are sending him to Anganvadi only to make him to develop the habit of going to school. Bapu, you need not send me anything but write to us. Our uncle has got a telephone now. Do ring us up. It has been a very long time since we heard your voice. Bapu, I remain, Ptch...Ptch...Ptch...”

Narasaiah became suffocated by the shower of kisses from his daughter. “How mature my daughter has grown! She fondly asked me to send her a chain. But what has come over her? Suddenly, she changed her mind. My child is really intelligent”, he told himself, struggling to hold the gushing tears from his blood - shot eyes. He looked towards the flock, when he heard the bells ring suddenly. He felt uneasy. The person who brought the cassette informed him that a person who works at the city of Oil is planning to go to India soon. “I must plead with the Seth to arrange for sending the cassette to my family in India,” Narsaiah thought.

‘Why didn’t you write to us?’ is the eternal question from the family. What should I tell them? If I am forced to answer the question, I should inform them that I look after the flock riding on the of a mule; that I cleanse the new-born lambs of their dirt; that there is no post office nearby; that I am all alone; that Yedna beat me harshly for wasting water in the beginning; that the tips of my fingers have turned into wounds for milking the sheep; that I drink goat milk to quench my thirst; that there is no phone facility; that I hid along with the flock under the truck when the tent was blown off in the sand storm; that I wear coat, hat and shoes; above all, that I drive the flock on a lonely desert walking about forty kilometers a day; that I don’t like the place and my work; that I suppress my emotions...But how could the debts be paid. I must bear all the troubles until I could save enough money to solve all the problems at home. I should tell them I am happy here. Or they may be shocked to death if they come to learn of my predicament.

He drank some water and lit yet another beedi. He drew himself close to the tape-recorder to record his message. He looked like a storm that hit the coast. Holding his tears, he began calmly: “Mother, Father, your son, Narsaiah speaks from Saudi. Your eldest son, Narsi...is speaking. How are you? Are you healthy? If there is any trouble, regarding your health, see the doctor. Take medicine regularly. Why are you quiet? Are you angry with me because I left you inspite of your unwillingness? Mother and father, why do you look dejected in the photographs you sent to me. Eight months have elapsed since my arrival here. Don’t enquire about my work until my debts are paid off. I won’t tell you what I am doing here. If I reveal the truth, you will be upset. If you feel angry with me, you may punish me with a tamarind stick as you did in my youth when I paid no heed to your words. But show pity on my small children and wife. You need not work now. You have done so much for us all these years. You are old and tired. Father, don’t hurt mother with your abuses. You have seen life. What more can I tell you? Don’t quarrel with toddy tappers. Don’t scold mother...”

Narsaiah felt his heart break into pieces with grief. As the tears sprang to his eyes, he couldn’t speak a word. There was silence for a while.

“Bhagya, as I am talking, I can see, you run between the tape recorder and the kitchen like a cat whose feet are burnt. You seem to care for food than your husband. But living so many years together and begetting four children, don’t you think I know your feelings. I can understand what you are thinking now. We have financial difficulties. One can not escape the strokes of a pestle, keeping one’s head in the mortar. However hard it may be, we have to bear it. Tell me, how can we avoid it? Bhagya, I pay ignoring the advice of my parents. I have failed to provide for the family and made you live like parasites on others. There is no use in raking the past. I long to see you all. But the money I have with me now is enough to pay off debts only. If I work some time more, I can save for the family needs. You told that you didn’t feel like staying without me. How can you feel like that? What can I do now? We have been destined to suffer. Is it a small distance to visit you every year? It simply costs me fifty thousand rupees. I too feel like running away from this place. I always think of my children. Bhagya, you told me that you go out to plant the paddy. Stop doing all that. I can payoff all the debts once I return. You don’t strain yourself. If you feel bored, you can roll out beedis, as you do regularly. Being uneducated, I find life very difficult. I make rounds to the people to get my letters written. This is why I took long to write to you. What is the use of being clever without education! It’s a real hell to be illiterate. Bhagya, why are you quiet? You must speak up. You are everything to my children until I return. I saw you along with the children in the photograph. You look so disappointed. Do you lose anything if you smile a bit? I get a sense of relief whenever I look at the photograph...My mother, My darling. Rajeshwari, It is your father who speaks to you, my dear. Why did you say “If you don’t want me to go to school, I stay at home? Are you angry with me, dear? You must go to school and study well. You should not trouble your mother. Take care of your brothers. My child, your words made me feel satisfied....

“Bhagya, don’t think of me all the time. I am not the same old, reckless and idle Narsaiah who spent life without any aim. Don’t you think yet that I learnt to mend my ways? But when have you shown faith in my abilities? Even if I want to show how changed I am, I am not educated like you. This is the only dividing line between us. Bhagya, how are your parents, brothers, sisters and their children? Did you stop seeing them? You visited your parents rarely, while I was in India. Don’t alienate yourself from your brothers and sisters. After all, you were born of the same womb. Take my children along with you. Be kind to your parents. Because they are only solace you have, though, at times, they are angry with you. Bhagya, the person who gives you the cassette, is from Rudrangi. He is a nice person. I am also sending the tape recorder and a wrist­watch to my daughter. Send your photographs, group and individual. Bhagya, how is my little son? Does he walk? Rajeshwari, my intelligent child, speak whole-heartedly next time. What! Does your mother warn you not to sit near the tape recorder for fear of your spoiling it. Come on, my children... Ptch, Ptch. Send your kisses in a cassette, my children...Bhagya, why do you stand drooping your head? Don’t worry. Two years will pass by quickly. Convey my best wishes to our relatives and friends. Bhagya...Bhagya I stop here”.

Narasaiah felt something move upside down in his stomach. His eyes, filled with tears, looked like oceans. He felt his family and all the relatives and their affection for Saudi in search of a livelihood. Finishing his message, Narsaiah began sobbing, uncontrollably. He lived a life - a desert like life, an empty life, without compassion. The bells rang. The flock got up and suddenly a foul smell spread all over. He must do cooking before dawn and hurry to drive the flock... Rud... Rud... Oggash. Taat. Emshei....

Translated by Dr. E. Satyanarayana from original Telugu, ‘Yaathana’