Wedlock and Wisdom

C. RAJAGOPALACHARI

(Rendered by Srimati K. Savitri
from his Tamil article in Ananda Vikatan)

The best illustration of the function of love and its relation to life is to be found perhaps in the life of the honey-bee. Among the many instructive and wonderful things that we see in the life of bees, the story of their wooing and nuptial union is the most interesting. These little creatures seem to have understood what men have not understood–the full significance of the sex instinct. The queen-bee, as it attains adolescence, flies out from its cell
followed by the male bees. After much wandering about, it chooses and accepts the love of one among them. And what a price the male bee offers for this favour! It gives up its very life as a return! The queen-bee goes to her hive carrying away the very life of her lover in her womb, for the male dies shortly after the union. The queen returns to the hive and thereafter goes on laying eggs till the end of her life. The female bee thus knows the joy of union with the male only once in a lifetime. As for the male bee, love is death. There is never again any second thought of sex union for the female bee which goes on laying innumerable eggs, male or female, or workers according to the requirements of the colony. The bride at once becomes queen and mother, and all sex passion is forgotten. It is possible for us to have a glimpse into the real significance of these vast mysteries–love, birth and death–if we contemplate on this. Love is the elemental force of Nature, the life-urge that perpetuates the race. This vital force pervades all things living. Even inanimate things have this joy. Who knows yet the passion of the crystal or the atom? Death need not be mourned as a great sorrow or calamity. Death really means birth! The life of the male bee is not lost but continues in the thousands of lives into which it is transformed, and we call this death! Those who are not prepared for supreme sacrifice can never know the perfect happiness of love and matrimony.

“Let all these airy fancies rest; have you any practical things to tell? When there are ever so many complex questions of real life to be answered, what is the use of indulging in mere conceits of the mind?” Thus, doubtless, the impatient reader thinks, Yes, I wish to give practical advice. But then, every matter in life gives rise to so many questions and doubts, and we should deal with each problem in the light of its own circumstances. There is not a single patent-medicine-like solution for them all. It is useful to examine and understand fundamental principles so that we may meet every situation.

Let us take the question of proper age for marriage. Whatever age one may suggest, there will be some people to object to it. On whom should the settlement of a match for a girl depend? Is it the father or the mother, or the relations, or society, or the girl herself that should have the final voice? This cannot be solved by one answer for all cases, since the circumstances may vary. Are inter-caste marriages good? They are; and yetthey are not. The answers for all these questions will be easily found in each case, if we comprehend the fundamental principles of life and marriage. Any opinion breeds opposition. For, the tendency of the intellect is to contradict and resist every argument. It is best to leave people to solve things for themselves. Nevertheless, I shall state my views on some of the questions.

If two grown-up people entertain a strong desire to become man and wife, it will not be wise on the part of the parents to oppose it out of considerations as to property, family or custom. Do not stand in the way of true love. It will cause illness of body and mind for those who are dear to you. What indeed do parents wish? They desire the happiness of their children. All happiness is destroyed by opposing the promptings of love. The parents’ duty is to point out to young people the evils and difficulties of the step they wish to take, to test the endurance and reality of their feeling, and to help and enlarge their understanding. Let those who pass all these trials and tests be left to do as they like. Parents need not imagine what in the nature of things is not possible, viz., that they are the permanent custodians of the happiness of their children.

The marriage of two persons of different castes who have known and understood one another and are genuinely drawn together by love, will be conducive to the progress of the nation. I have nothing to say against caste based on distinctions of occupation. Callings, trades and occupations which require training from early childhood tend to become castes and are not bad, but the existing caste distinctions are not all of this kind, and it is very necessary that this false caste distinctions should be abolished. There are other classes that have arisen out of difference of creeds. But now, the differences of religious belief count for nothing and have quite disappeared, giving place to mere superficial differences such as dress, customs, and caste-marks on the forehead. Unnecessary distinctions and class prejudice and hatred alone remain. These can be done away with only by the removal of obstacles to inter-marriage. “He is a man of my community,” this exclusive feeling must go. So long as we do not get rid of this fondness for “our caste,” there will be no salvation for our nation.

I do not say that community and custom are to be treated as if they were nothing. They are real things. We have been all moulded by the thoughts, language and outlook that are being handed down from one generation to another, each of his own community. Let us not forget this in the fever occasioned by love. If we do, we are apt to be disillusioned as soon as the fever subsides. After the passion stops and ceases to sustain us, we shall fall and break our heads. Does not the top roll down the ground the moment it ceases to spin? Do not stray away too far out from family, religion, language and long-formed habits and customs. You will gain nothing by such straying too far out, but probably go in for much unhappiness after the romance is over.

You should not be under the illusion that every momentary feeling or infatuation is true love. True love does not spring up all in a minute. The motion of the flesh is too often taken for that divine flame which is rightly glorified as Love in the story-books! Try to forget, suppress and divert your mind from it before you feel quite sure that the motion of your mind is true love.

Love which does not meet with an equal response on the other side had best be forgotten or put aside in the locked closet of the mind. It is essential that two people entering into a marriage that is not sanctioned by custom should feel the urge of love with equal strength on both sides, Unless the two souls are fully absorbed in each other and become as one, no such unusual marriage is likely to be happy. Since it is hardly more than a fleeting fancy in 95 cases out of 100, it would be well to pause before taking the irrevocable step and listen to the counsel of our elders.

Whether it be an orthodox union or an inter-caste marriage, two people can scarcely lead a happy married life unless they know everything about one another. Otherwise, what seemed great beauty and charming intelligence at first may soon disappear, and the sensations of pleasure and joy felt intensely may all change afterwards. This has been the experience, alas, of many.

It is wrong to enter into a marriage imagining it as an act of national service or that by such a step you will reform society. Matrimony essentially concerns the parties themselves. Nothing is so vain as to believe that you will be doing a service to society by your marriage, and for that reason marry anybody.

I think for our people the proper age for marriage is for men between the age of 22 and 30, and between 18 and 25 for the girls. We need not try to imitate other countries in regard to the age for marriage. At the ages stated above, boys and girls of our country will be old enough to think for themselves, and at the same time young enough to pay heed to the wise advice of the parents. To marry a girl before she is 18, will permanently shatter her body, mind and health. We should not sacrifice our children at the altar of mere foolish custom, thinking it is the law of God.

Though it is highly important that parents should be consulted, the consent of the young people concerned is quite indispensable. Consent and love are not the same thing. If no love is felt, then it is best to let the parents decide for you. The parents, however, would be wise to give the matter up when they find the son or daughter unwilling to enter into the proposed marriage. No coercion or threats should be used to make them consent, and no one should consent out of mere fear or politeness.

No other people in the World honour their ancient customs and scriptures as we do, and yet no religion in the world allows greater freedom than our Sastras. We have ample testimony for this in the Mahabhrata. Take the great marriage of Draupadi. From the context it is absolutely clear that this marriage was considered quite improper even in those days. Nevertheless, in view of the circumstances, it was judged differently and the sages unflinchingly gave their full support to what at first seemed totally opposed to the scriptures! They changed the very rites of marriage in order to suit the peculiarity of the situation–one girl to wed as many as five husbands at the same time! Other instances of heterodox unions were not rare. True love is certainly greater than any other Dharma, and to defy and resist, such a force was never considered right. Indeed, our Sastras allow us the liberty to change things in accordance with changed times and circumstances, and even to dispense with old customs altogether and introduce fresh ones. It may be observed that in many matters we are exercising this liberty quite freely.

Let not young people or parents be frightened too much by poverty and financial difficulties. A loving husband and wife can face poverty, and together they can bear the sufferings which separately may be too great. Indeed, troubles disappear in no time if only loving man and wife learn to laugh at them together. Poverty and its difficulties render love more beautiful. No need for us at all to be scared by it, if there is courage and true union of souls.

What I have said on the subject of love and wedlock in these two articles may seem to you insome places quite contradictory, if looked at superficially. But it is not really so. Such seeming contradictions there must necessarily be in answers given in respect of a vital problem which covers different aspects and various circumstances. I would request young men and women, parents, orthodox people as well as social reformers, to reflect on what I have said, and see whether there is something in it.
–Reprinted from Triveni, Sept. 1936