Love and Wedlock

C. RAJAGOPALACHARI

(Rendered by Srimati K. Savitri from his
Tamil article in Ananda Vikatan)

“On Love! With head bald, the few remaining hairs all grey, pooh! What do you know of love? Please, if you must talk, talk something else! Are you going to tell us of your pal experiences, things that happened a quarter of a century ago? In those ancient half-civilized days, what could you know of real love, we wonder!”

I can almost hear the readers, especially the young men and women of the city, thus exclaim at the idea of my writing on the subject of love. I have a delicate instrument which transmits to my ears the inmost thoughts of others. It is hardly of any advantage and indeed a source of great trouble to me. It is precisely because of this I find myself often unable to speak or write about anything.

I know it is difficult for me to speak on love. So I talk on matrimony, on which I may perhaps say a few words. I know I have to buy a ticket before getting into the train. But I find I can’t elbow my way through the crowd to the booking-office window. Nevertheless, I may tell you what I know, something about trains, which train will take you to which place and how you should behave yourself after getting into the train, and the like.

Looking into the matter, we are obliged to admit that this country scarcely provides the soil congenial for love-marriages. Even in modern days, we seldom see men and women mixing freely with each other in ordinary life. Whether this is good or bad for us is another question. How can men and women fall in love when they do not meet at all? Besides, we have the rule that every girl born in our society should get married. How is this possible if love must always precede matrimony? There is a third difficulty in the problem which is common to all countries – that there must be equal love on both sides. A man may fall in love with a woman; but it may be she does not care for him. Again, if a man or woman is endowed with such beauty and qualities as to attract another, there will be quite a number of persons offering themselves for the hand of that person. In this mad world, competition prevails in everything. What a pity, the God of Love does not sort us all out in suitable pairs and discreetly shoot his darts so as to make it all convenient for us! If we make it a strict rule “no love, no marriage,” the situation will be fraught with great trouble. Many will have to remain single. I think it is fairly clear that it will be utterly impossible to make “falling in love” an essential condition of marriage.

We need not suppose from all this, however, that love is but a dream, hardly to be realised in life. Love is undoubtedly a true and potent human passion. Some marriages are the happy result of strong mutual attachment. Lightning often precedes rain and it is beautiful to behold. But it does not follow that there will be no rain when there is no lightning. There is infinite beauty in lightning, but, lightning or no lightning, rain is wanted to sustain Life.

Even where it is not a love-marriage, the couple can love and respect each other and lead their lives in happy concord and comradeship. Let no married man imagine that life is dull and worthless because he did not fall in love, but got married in the old-fashioned way. Let us not think that other nations are more fortunate because we read their love-stories and see wonderful romances in their cinemas. There is every reason to believe that we can reach the heights of conjugal love and happiness in our society.

Have you a young wife at home? Have you ever contemplated on her heroism? Do you remember how cheerfully and confidently she came to your house at a tender age, leaving her own dear father and mother? What is the joy and the confidence that makes her look so bright and happy? Every young husband should realise and admire the heroism of his wife. Can we hope to see such high faith and courage among men? Every husband as he perceives the unquestioning faith and devotion of his young wife must marvel at it all. He will no longer look upon her as a mere instrument for physical pleasure. He will look on her as a priceless treasure of joy and friendship. He would treat her with respect and solicitude, even as he would behave towards a dear and valued friend of his own sex. He will no longer consider himself a superior and as one entitled to give orders and expect obedience.

Though every one knows that mere sense-enjoyment is not the goal of life, we often forget it. Husband and wife should learn to deal wisely with this primary instinct, remembering that sex-pleasure is a mysterious and wonderful instrument of God intended to develop and increase affection, and not for foolish indulgence. They need not look on it as if it were a sin, but they should not imagine that it is all they have to live for in the world. This wonderful force of Nature serves to cultivate and render perfect the bond between a man and a woman. But it is a means to love and not an end in itself. Indulgence leads to the destruction of the real joy and purpose of life. Restraint is therefore very necessary.

The sage Tiruvalluvar, centuries ago, used a term for describing the wife which means “life-companion.” The full meaning of this phrase should blossom out and shed its fragrance over married life. Husband and wife should learn to live like two comrades and partners in everything. It will not do for them to divide their respective jurisdictions, the wife controlling the affairs of the home, and he being master in every other matter. True companionship and equality will be found easy with practice, and help to broaden their understanding and add to their strength and happiness. The discipline of companionship teaches much more than what is taught in any school or college.

Love-marriages are of course the best. But they are not always possible. Two people saying to each other, “Let us marry and live together,” without being urged to it by the passion described in romances can also add to the wealth of love in the world. Love should not be taken as a fear and marriage as a specific for it. If that be so, the fever will go down soon after the wedding is over, and there will he nothing left. Love is not a fever, but like the fragrance of flowers it is one of the great natural forces. It may not always arise spontaneously. It can be generated even like electricity. Like all forces of Nature, it is a manifestation of God. You may seek and worship it in any temple, provided you have faith. Your faith will lead you to the presence of God wherever you seek for Him. So also may you find Love in any Tabernacle if you seek for it with a devotee’s faith. Your wife is the Temple of Love that is specially intended for you. If you offer worship with devotion, you will find the divine Goddess in that shrine, in the shape of Love. In the absence of faith, you will of course only see a stone image. But know that it is your fault and not that of the image.

It is not difficult to fall in love. Nor is every infatuation true love. The mere prompting of the flesh is often mistaken for love. Even if a young man is able to distinguish the false from the true and discovers himself in genuine love with a maid she may not require that feeling in an equal measure. It is only when love is free and equal on both sides that it becomes a source of joy and happiness. It is not every one who can be blessed with that great good fortune. We do not abandon the fields that have no irrigation through natural means. We work on them relying on the rain and the wells and succeed in raising crops; and all kinds of vegetables, sweet fruits, and flowers are grown thereon. No doubt, it demands effort and patience. True love indeed is rare, and mutual equal love is rarer still. To keep that love burning with undiminished brightness is most difficult of all. It is the duty of a young husband to maintain the divine flame if such be his fortune to possess it before marriage, and in every case to endeavour to generate that universal force by wide, and thoughtful companionship. Sincere effort and the grace of God are both necessary for this fulfilment of married life.

Love means death. The ego must die. “No love – then death”, sang the Kokila, in Bharati’s poem. “No love without death” is the secret truth. Marriage does not end one’s difficulties, as love-sick people might imagine. The struggle begins only after marriage. Life is one long battle, with endless trials and tribulations. Friend, you may see where you go about, faces and qualities which you may fancy as truly worthy of your regard and thoughts may rush across your mind belittling the wife at home. Arm your soul against such thoughts and fancies. Whether your marriage be a love-marriage or one of the old variety, the struggle is all after and not before, and unless you win in that struggle there can be no happiness.

Nature is one big male and one big female and there is an eternal urge for them to come together. Love is a manifestation of this elemental force. But if we permit this force to break its bounds, we shall be caught in the flames and perish. Be wary, therefore. The little hearth in the home and the bronze lamp that lightsour life are the only manifestations of this great fire that we can manage with safety. Let us wisely and diligently guard that hearth and that lamp safe from the cold winds.

–Reprinted from Triveni, August, 1936

“That Rajaji keeps a young heart in an old body isproved by the fact that he undertook to organise at an advanced age a new political party. Rajaji has always considered the freedom of the individual as the basis of democracy and even of real progress. It is only individuals, believing in themselves and in their mission in life, who have been instrumental in the progress of man. This is true even when they have, to all appearances, failed. Sometimes they have succeeded by dying for a cause. This is the way that the Economy of Nature Works. Who can say that Christ on the Cross was a failure, or Socrates drinking the cup of hemlock, or Gandhi shot dead by a fanatic?”
ACHARYA J. B. KRIPALANI
–Rajaji –93 Souvenir