Verse 2.1.204

Sanskrit text, Unicode transliteration, Word-for-word and English translation of verse 2.1.204:

ममापि तत्र तत्राशा स्याद् अथागन्तुकोऽस्म्य् अहम् ।
तद्-एक-निष्ठो नापि स्यां कथं तत्-तत्-प्रसाद-भाक् ॥ २०४ ॥

mamāpi tatra tatrāśā syād athāgantuko'smy aham |
tad-eka-niṣṭho nāpi syāṃ kathaṃ tat-tat-prasāda-bhāk || 204 ||

mama–of me; api–however; tatra tatra–occasionally; āśā–the desire; syāt–may come; atha–then; āgantukaḥ–a newcomer; asmi–I am; aham–I; tat–to Him; eka-niṣṭhaḥ–exclusively devoted; na–not; api–however; syām–I should be; katham–why?; tat-tat-prasāda–of His variegated mercy; bhāk–a recipient.

Sometimes, I also would want to participate in those pastimes of laughing and joking with the Lord, but I would think, “Ah! I am just a newcomer, and besides, I am not exclusively devoted to Him. How then can I become the recipient of His special mercy?”

Commentary: Dig-darśinī-ṭīkā with Bhāvānuvāda

(By Śrīla Sanātana Gosvāmī himself including a deep purport of that commentary)

Śrī Gopa-kumāra says, “I also yearned sometimes to participate in similar amusing conversations and pastimes of smiling and joking with Śrī Jagannātha-deva. However, on reflection, I realized it was inappropriate for an unfit person like me to have such a desire. But because I was envious (īrṣā), I was unable to control it. When I would think of the good fortune of Śrī Jagannātha-deva’s beloved, permanent servitors from Utkala, I would also develop a desire to be like them.”

The brāhmaṇa might say, “Due to that desire you must certainly have been experiencing distress in your heart.”

To address this, Gopa-kumāra speaks seven verses, beginning here with atha. He says, “As I had arrived there only recently, I was not the Lord’s permanent servitor. Moreover, I did not possess fixed devotion to the Lord of Nīlācala because, in my heart, I was extremely attached to the land of Vraja and Śrī Vṛndāvana. So how could I receive the special mercy of witnessing and participating in those indescribable pastimes of joking words with the Lord of Nīlācala?”

Alternatively, Gopa-kumāra is also saying, “Witnessing the great fortune of Śrī Jagannātha-deva’s beloved devotees, I felt sad because I was not blessed in the same way.”