Verse 2.1.157

Sanskrit text, Unicode transliteration, Word-for-word and English translation of verse 2.1.157:

मर्म-शाल्येन चैतेन निर्वेदो मे महान् अभूत् ।
नेशे दिदृक्षितं साक्षात्-प्राप्तं त्यक्तुं च तत्-प्रभुम् ॥ १५७ ॥

marma-śālyena caitena nirvedo me mahān abhūt |
neśe didṛkṣitaṃ sākṣāt-prāptaṃ tyaktuṃ ca tat-prabhum || 157 ||

marma–in the heart; śalyena–by the arrow; ca–and; etena–by this; nirvedaḥ–despondent; me–of me; mahān–very; abhūt–became; na iśe–I was unable; didṛkṣitam–to see; sākṣāt–directly; prāptam–obtained; tyaktum–to leave; ca–and; tat-prabhum–the Supreme Lord.

Observing people’s skepticism towards prasāda caused me excruciating pain, as if a dagger had pierced my heart. Many such reasons made me strongly apathetic towards the kingdom, but still, the opportunity to see the Supreme Lord, whose direct darśana I had so long desired, made me unable to leave.

Commentary: Dig-darśinī-ṭīkā with Bhāvānuvāda

(By Śrīla Sanātana Gosvāmī himself including a deep purport of that commentary)

The brāhmaṇa might ask, “What kind of attitude did the people have towards honoring mahā-prasāda?”

Śrī Gopa-kumāra says, “Their attitude towards the grains of mahāprasāda caused me unbearable pain, afflicting my heart as if it were pierced by a dagger.”

The word nirveda, meaning ‘disgust or complete indifference,’ denotes detachment from objects such as the kingdom. The brāhmaṇa might ask, “Why did you not at that very moment abdicate the kingdom?”

Śrī Gopa-kumāra answers, “How was this possible? After much difficulty, I had finally met my cherished Jagadīśvara, Lord of the universe, for whose darśana I had been yearning so long. Now that I had obtained His direct service, how could I suddenly just give it up? I was unable to forsake the kingdom because in doing so I would certainly have been deprived of both seeing and serving the Lord.”